The scale isn’t moving, despite my decrease in fat intake per doctor’s orders. Sure, it went up, and down, and up, and down, but it’s settled right at 255 right now, and doesn’t show signs of changing.

I was talking with my mom last night about the whole thing - the doctor visit, the possibilities of what might happen after the ultrasound on my gallbladder and pancreas, and what I wish I could do. Even the doctor was wondering why I wasn’t losing weight since I mainly cook at home, and don’t cook with much, if any, fat. I explained that I was raised with a dieting mother… My first taste of soda growing up was not “grape”, it was Diet Coke. “Pan frying” meant either a touch of olive oil, or more likely, butter-flavored cooking spray. All the meat I cook nowadays is either cooked in a pan in this manner, baked, broiled, or grilled, and always has the lowest fat content available at the market. 93% lean ground beef, people! Boneless, skinless chicken breast! Boneless pork chops with the fat cut off prior to cooking!

Sure, my grandmother made me grilled cheese sandwiches with butter and full-fat cheese growing up, but she also got me hooked on carrot sticks. Yes, when Mom wasn’t full-force dieting, Friday nights were “Pizza Night” and we always had cheese, mushrooms, and sausage. I usually picked everything off and ate just the cheese, sauce, and bread - but it was there.

My mother was once a Weight Watchers leader. She was on and off it most of my life, and I can correctly estimate the POINTS values in just about any food you ask - even portion sizes.

Is it really possible, that as an overweight person, eating “take out” once a week can keep me fat? Think about it… how many “skinny” people do you know, even those who were once NOT so skinny, that eat out all the time, and don’t necessarily limit their choices to salads with balsamic vinagrette? I have skinny friends who, when we go out, will eat deep fried cheese sticks as an appetizer, a huge-mongous burger slathered with cheese and who knows what else with fries on the side for dinner, and then a slice of cheesecake for dessert. And they’ll do this 3-4 times a week - plus they’ll go out drinking every Friday and Saturday night - another thing I don’t do that much.

As much as I’d like to think I have my mother’s “shape” - and for the most part, I do - I think the way my body metabolizes food is much more like my father. He can only lose weight when he’s exercising, too. I’ve said it before, that I can’t do home videos… Sure, I could - anyone can - but the fact is, I know that I won’t. I know that a gym membership will get my ass moving… but the closest gym is over $300 a year, and I just can’t afford it. But I would love to be able to wake up a little earlier, grab a cup of coffee and a piece of fruit or something, get dressed in my workout gear, and go. I’d get there, go through the circuit, jump on the elliptical or the treadmill or something for half an hour, stretch out some, and come home. Shower, dress, and get down to work before 9am. It’s so possible, and a routine that I’m craving so much… *sigh*

Well, Thursday is the “big day” for the ultrasound - I’m praying that it turns out to just be a “dysfunctional gall bladder” where I can manage the pain with my food intake and some Rolaids. If there’s a stone in there, it has to come out right away, and I don’t have insurance. I already have a $1700 ER bill (though I’m ready to argue the hell out of it - that’s when the ER doctor told me there’s nothing wrong with my gallbladder, but that I have a UTI - according to my doc, I didn’t have a UTI… he looked at the test results from the ER and can’t believe she diagnosed me with that).

I have a feeling I’m going to really have to crack down on myself and get out there trying to make some more money. I just can’t do this - any of this - the dieting, the surgery, whatever - without getting some more income.

So much for my dreams of moving out within a year… :(