Welp. This is it. I’m officially 29 years and one day old.

(I’ve rewarded myself with a new blog design… ya like it? The link goes to my blog design site if you’re interested in having me work on one for you…)

Yesterday was bittersweet… (Bear with me through the “I did this… then this…” portion of this entry, as it’s leading up to something much better, I assure you!)

I had a nice basket of potted tulips brought home to me from Dad, that now reside atop my desk in my office. Grandma came over with this really delicious chocolate-cherry cake she made, and I went to have breakfast with Mom.

Afterward, I took some of the money from Gram and went on a sandals shopping spree. I love Payless for their sandals! I bought 2 pair and a clearanced pair of boots. Then I had my eyebrows waxed. yippeeeeee

Later, Tina took me for a mani/pedi and then to a wine tasting. After that, we went up to Bourbon St. for wings and a little karaoke.

This is where it gets bitter…

First let me say that I’m very proud of Tina and all the work she’s put in while filming the reality show to losing the last 15 lbs and getting herself back into a size 8. She looks truly amazing, and deserves all the praise in the world for what she’s accomplished over the past year, going from nearly 180 to where she is now. She does look fantastic!

However we’re back now to the same scenarios we used to hit all the time whenever we went out. I’m the “fat friend” the guys sidle up to in a vain attempt of getting closer to Tina OR… I’m just flat out ignored, while they buy her drinks (yes, she and I were sitting alone at a table together, and the waitress came over with a shotglass for Tina to exchange for a drink when she was ready) and act like I’m not even there.

This used to happen all the time, with guys going even so far as to step in-between her and I while we were mid-conversation, stand with their back to me (or should I say, shoving me out of the way with their back), and trying to chat her up.

Now, before you go assuming things… yes, Tina accepted the free drinks (who wouldn’t?) but she has NEVER EVER ignored me, or allowed me to remain ignored once these asswipes try to slime their way inbetween us.

But I’m REALLY fucking sick of these guys. I mean, what the hell!? It’s not like I’m this 400-pound, sloppily dressed, buck- or black-toothed, lacking makeup or a decent hairstyle (ie. I don’t put my hair up in a ponytail or a bun with a dirty scrunchie) kind of girl. So what… I’m not a size 8? I present myself very well (so I’m told) and always try to look my best when I go out. I wear clean, well-fitting clothes, NICE clothes, and do my hair, my makeup, my nails, everything. And I don’t, for some reason, deserve to be given ANY attention at all just because I’m fat?

I broke down last night and cried on the way home. I felt bad because I didn’t want Tina to think I was upset with her, or that I resented her, or anything like that… and I told her that over and over again, knowing full well that she believed it before it came out of my mouth. She told me how much my friendship means to her, and that she’s super pissed about TBL calling me up to the top 12 twice and then dropping me. She told me that I should just bust my ass and lose the weight and then tell all the guys to where to go. She told me how she knows what it feels like, even though it was only temporary in her life when she was overweight. She understands that I don’t know what it’s like to be skinny, and that I’ve been dealing with this kind of treatment from people of all ages, races, sexes, and relationships… since I was in 4th grade. She’s extremely supportive of me, and knows me for who I really am, and it hurts her to see me be treated like I was last night, because she knows that I’m a wonderful person, and deserving of love and attention just like anyone else.

But like me right now, she’s powerless to take that pain away.

I don’t know what it’s like to be thin, and get attention, or get treated with more respect from everyone (male, female, young, old, a boss, a client, a coworker, a fellow fireman, you name it). I do know that I would love to be there… to know how that feels. I also know what has worked for me in the past, that I have no way of doing right now. DVDs in the living room will NOT make me get up and use them. Neither will a treadmill or a set of handweights. My father’s cravings for “something” from the convenience store will not get me to stick to a healthy eating plan.

If I could afford to live on my own and could afford a gym membership - I’d be down 100 lbs. by my 30th birthday. I also know that.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Part of me wants to just say, “Fuck the dieting shit - I’m me, and I kick ass as I am, so fuck anyone who doesn’t like it.” To chalk everything up to “Men are pigs,” and be done with it.

But then things like last night happen, and make me wonder if life really would be easier to handle if I was thinner. (Before you start - I know it won’t make life WONDERFUL and PERFECT if I was thin. But I truly sometimes feel that life would be less emotionally taxing in a lot of ways… No feelings of physical inadequacy, not being ignored or disrespected because of my weight (because of my personality would be FINE, except no one takes the time to get to know a fat chick), not having to spend more money on clothes, or try to get comfortable in a tiny chair… things like that.)

I’m just so confused and hurt… and really sad that all this had to happen on my birthday, when I’m already feeling old and lonely in an intense way.

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