Where do I begin?

Okay, so I’ve been lax in a lot of things lately. It’s really not my fault!

Alright, in a way it is, but I stand by the fact that my brain over-processes things, often too quickly, and stuffs the information wherever there’s an open spot or a stack already in place.

Work is going quite well for me right now - I have some fantastic clients, with totally fun projects to do, and that’s really what makes a lot of difference. But I’ve noticed that I’m slipping in a lot of areas with work, and I can only attribute it to one thing: disorganization.

My whole house is cluttered, from the kitchen counters to the dining room (which we never use due to it’s level of clutter) to the bathroom, my bedroom, and of course, my office.

I’d love nothing more than to be able to take a week off (ha!) and get a dumpster and just go through the house, one room a day, and toss out everything that doesn’t hold either some REALLY strong memento-type value, some REALLY strong monetary value (like oh… some of the prints my mother had collected over the years that I no longer like, the huge ugly sofa, things I can sell for at least $50), or some basic, EVERYDAY value (say, the refrigerator for example).

I also have a basement full of stuff from when I was away at college - that I’ve recently checked in on, in search of some shoes - that’s been down there since 2001. EVERYTHING in those bins is covered in THICK GREEN MOLD. Not only does this break my heart, because a lot of that stuff held value to me - emotional and monetary value, but value nonetheless. And it’s gone. Useless. I don’t even want to go through it at this point, for fear I’ll just wind up in tears. I argued with my father about putting it all down there in the first place, he won the argument, and now all my stuff is destroyed.

I’m just so tired of living in this MESS. There are major home improvement issues that need to be done - and I mean MAJOR. There are things here I don’t even like, things that my mother had put here or done while she was still living here… but she left over 5 years ago now! I can’t help but think that my father’s emotional status is screwed up by the things he’s surrounded by, nevermind that none of it is “his taste” or mine, so the fact that neither one of us feels like we’re surrounded by an environment we love has to take a toll on the both of our mental states as well. I mean, we might as well be living in a padded cell or something.

*sigh*

I think part of my reason for writing all this out is because I’m feeling overloaded. I’m feeling this strong urge to just go through the house and “delete” everything, yet I have an equally strong urge to work and not only keep my current clients happy, but gain new clients to make happy. But how am I supposed to make anyone happy if I’m not? I can’t. Not in work, not in family, not in relationships. It’s just not possible.

How can one focus on anything when they’re surrounded by disaster?

How can a person ask for help with changing things, when the other person living in the house refuses to see the urgent need for change?

How can anyone change things without the money to do so? I can’t replace the floor for less than $3,000… I don’t have it, my father doesn’t have it, what the hell can I do?

I’m really feeling lost with all of this, and it’s starting to really affect me. I can’t let it. I have to do something or not only will my business fail, but my weight loss efforts will fail (yet again) and so will everything else in my life.

Where do I begin?