Okay, so I didn’t get the office cleaned up this weekend. I was feeling really “blah” since Friday afternoon, and just really didn’t want to do any sort of “labor” this weekend.

I have got to get rid of that feeling.

I spent some time working on my sites, playing some games, made breakfast Sunday morning for Dad and Gram, and that’s about it. I felt really crappy Sunday afternoon, and slept most of the day away. (I was supposed to go to my friend’s house and hide Easter eggs for the kids, have dinner, etc. but I really was NOT up to feeling well enough to go, and I didn’t want to chance getting the kids sick.)

Last night I revamped the way I do my “To Do Lists” - where from this point forward, on Sunday night, I’ll make a list for the entire week, and then tranfer those items to the daily lists in a way that makes the most sense, and gets the most out of my time. I’ve begun to use time limits, and am going to track start and end times. (This also helps me with the work that’s outsourced to me, as I’m charging hourly.)

I’ll admit, it’s been kind of rough inside my brain since my birthday. Sometimes I’m feeling really proud and accomplished… motivated to do more, save more, clean more, BE more. And other times I’m feeling like the past 5 years of my life have been a huge waste (despite the experience I gained in order to HAVE my own business right now) and that I’m so far behind in my childhood goals for myself that I’m hopeless.

Sometimes I think that it’s possible to dream too big. To want too much for yourself. So much so that when it doesn’t happen, that whole feeling of emptiness and loss encompasses you to the point where you’re afraid to dream at all.

And then, after a good smack in the face by my own hand, something hits me and I try again.

Now, why I can’t bring that self-smacking over to my weight loss goals is beyond me. It’s not like I’m “not ready” or that I don’t “want it bad enough”. It’s not that I don’t know how. It’s not like I’ve never done it before. What it is exactly, no one can tell me, and I can’t even figure it out on my own. But all I know is that I’m going to keep re-starting, no matter how many times my subconscious makes me stop.

Slacked off on the food journal again last week, and didn’t walk at all because it’s been cold and rainy the last few days. I’ve been feeling weak at times… almost like when you’re sick and you feel weak, but other than Sunday, I’ve not been sick. I don’t know if I’m over-working myself or what, but I need to really just forget about the weather, and get out there and walk. Even if it’s just up the road and back. I need to just freakin’ do it.

Gotta love daily calendars. I’m putting it on my “To Do List” to walk every night this week, to the end of the road and back. The only thing that will stop me is rain, however the cold will not. “Cold” this time of year is 45-50 degrees. That’s not too cold to go for a 10 minute walk.

I just need to do this. It’s not much, but it’s something, and I think I’ll feel better. I hope I will.

Okay, it’s Monday - onward through another week!